Walking on water...

If u are wif a group of ppl who believe tat someday u can walk on water, then u can...

W-O-W!

What you need to know for NEW Packing with Hand Pump and NEW Formula! Great for After Sun! Non-greasy and Paraben-free -Goat Milk Cream All-natural Scent, Certified Cold Pressed Organic Coconut Oil, Organic Cocoa Butter-antioxidants -Deep Hydration -Sensitive Skin Healer (With Hand-pump)

NEW Packing with Hand Pump and NEW Formula! Great for After Sun! Non-greasy and Paraben-free -Goat Milk Cream All-natural Scent, Certified Cold Pressed Organic Coconut Oil, Organic Cocoa Butter-antioxidants -Deep Hydration -Sensitive Skin Healer (With Hand-pump)

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Amazon.com Price : $21.00

Features NEW Packing with Hand Pump and NEW Formula! Great for After Sun! Non-greasy and Paraben-free -Goat Milk Cream All-natural Scent, Certified Cold Pressed Organic Coconut Oil, Organic Cocoa Butter-antioxidants -Deep Hydration -Sensitive Skin Healer (With Hand-pump)

Fresh Goat Milk Cream with Cold Pressed Certified Organic Virgin Coconut Oil, Cocoa Butter
Milk is from our hand raised with love, certified organic fed Nigerian Dwarf Goats
Heavenly Natural Scent from Coconut Oil and Cocoa Butter. It makes you happy and Relax
Great for after Sun! ENERGIZED WITH REIKI--Deep rejuvenating dry skin, reddish, damaged skin, anti aging, wrinkling
Besides free range pastures, here is a short list what we feed our goats and animals in our farm: -Certified Organic Grains/Molasses from Midwest Organic Grains Co. (14-16% protein home blend) No soybean added -Certified Organic Kelp from Thorvin for Animals Co. -Golden Minerals Blend from Hoegger Farmyard -Certified Organic herbs (home blend) from Mountain Rose Herb -Local farmer's non-spray Alfalfa hay

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Descriptions NEW Packing with Hand Pump and NEW Formula! Great for After Sun! Non-greasy and Paraben-free -Goat Milk Cream All-natural Scent, Certified Cold Pressed Organic Coconut Oil, Organic Cocoa Butter-antioxidants -Deep Hydration -Sensitive Skin Healer (With Hand-pump)

Lake Sai Farm is a family farm located in 40 miles south of Chicago, IL. We practice organic methods and procedures around our farm and home. We raise a small herd of Nigerian Dwarf Dairy goats, and nurtured them with love and fed only Certified Organic feeds. Our customers know the milk is fresh and delicious from our farm. After months of research and tests in a lab, we started to use our fresh milk to make organic lotions and handmade soaps. Our Goal is to make high quality lotions/Cream with Certified Organic raw materials, and handmade soaps at an affordable price. The oils and butters we choose are filled with Antioxidant, Vitamin E, K, A, CoQ10, and rich in essential fatty acids which aid in Cell Oxygenation. The natural scent from organic Cocoa Butter makes one feel like in heaven. It soothes and rejuvenates your body and mind. Cocoa butter contains a number of different antioxidants which can be amazing for dry skin and can actually penetrate further than the top layer of the skin, meaning it moisturizes deep-down and really nourishes the skin. Benefits to Skin COCOA BUTTER: ❉Antioxidants: high in antioxidants, which help fight off free radicals. ❉Free radicals are causes of skin stresses and signs of aging. ❉Stretch Mark Reducer: widely noted to help reduce stretch marks. There are no guarantees, but it seems like the secret tip is shared with every pregnant woman in the world. And many women claimed regular use of cocoa butter was what kept their stretch marks away. People also say it has helped heal scars. ❉Deep Hydration: high in fatty acids and hydrates the skin deeply. ❉Sensitive Skin Healer: cocoa butter has been noted to help skin irritations such as eczema and dermatitis. Creamy, Silky, Pearly,Moisturizing,Refreshing, Rejuvenating, Healing, Relaxing-Both Body and Mind..The composition of Super foods is going to make the skin full of life and vibrant energy. Enjoy Kalanchoe Lotion to luxuriate and adore you everyday and day after day.

Andersen 420 Black Nitrile Rubber Comfort Flow Anti-Fatigue Mat, 3' Length x 2' Width, For Indoor

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Lighter in weight for easier handling. Fully launderable mat that performs great as an anti-fatigue mat and as a flow-through mat in wet or dry environments. Constructed of 100 percent High Density Nitrile Rubber cushion which is far superior in grease and oil resistance than other "grease proof" mats. Provides excellent anti-fatigue properties for added employee comfort and improved ergonomics, improving employee morale and productivity. Meets all standards set in the Americans with disabilities act. Low profile, 3/8 inch thick, and slip-resistant surface reduces slip and fall accidents. Non-skid backing keeps mat in place. Anti-microbial Treated - The anti-microbial treatment guards against degradation from micro-organisms and minimizes mats being a source of odors. Provides superior anti-fatigue properties for employee comfort and ergonomic benefits. 100 percent high-density, closed cell nitrile cushion with green 10 percent recycled content. Beveled edges for safe access. Welding safe. Highly resistant to high temperatures. Recommended for use in kitchens, behind bars and wet industrial applications. Rubber type: nitrile rubber (10 percent recycled content) high density closed cell foam. 3/8" Thickness. Black color. 50 to 55 Durometer. Testing: passes flammability standard DOC-FF-1-70. Anti-static- electrical resistance - IBM (surface to ground) ASTM F-150 and NFPA 99 chapter 12 section 4.1.3.8 (6) (7), 1990. Average ele4ctrical resistance at 70 degree F. and 50 percent relative humidity: 5.4 x 10 to the power 8 ohms. AATCC test method 134-1991 electrostatic propensity of carpets. Maximum voltage negative 0.3 KV. UV stable. ASTM C1028-96 static coefficient of friction: Dry- 0.70 Wet- 0.69. Measures 3' Length by 2' Width.

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Where the love last forever...

Your mercy found me,
upon the broken road,
And lifted me beyond my failing.

-Hillsong Church, Where the love last forever...

*mega project coming up... hopefully this time i can train myself to sing n play at the same time...

Purpose

Last weekend was no doubt the most memorable one i ever had in my life where  a wedding, mother's day and a redefined purpose all took place.

Yup the wedding, can't believe my ex house church leaders are getting married. It seems like yesterday only when they approach me n invite me to join them and i mistaken them for being siblings rather than a couple. To me they always seem to have this secret bond between them, like this blood connection that only siblings shared.

and they live happily ever after...

Last but not least, THE bible verse to share during a wedding. Contrary to popular belief, it does not talk only about love between a couple but most importantly the love between people, disciples especially :

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Roman Holiday...

it was yet another summer, and a pretty good one too... one of the places i've been to during this summer is non other than Rome, the capital of Italy, infested wif tourists, but i can see why...

after coming back from there, i guess wat the lonely planet book says about rome is quite true :

1. When it comes to seeing the sights, that old adage Roma, non basta una vita (Rome, a lifetime is not enough), couldn't be more true.

2. Possibly the only European capital with more ruins than dog poop, Rome boasts thousands of years of visible history.

3. Regarding driving in Rome, the rule is in Rome is to look straight ahead to watch the vehicles in front and pray that those behind are watching you.

Sorry for the lack of photos in this post, i, being smart this time, din even bother bringing my camera due to reason i don even noe myself... anyway, at least i get to be the model of 4 other photographers... haha

Lyme and Parasite Tests Breakdown

It seems like to find the exact research I need to compare labs doesn't exist. All I wanted was to see if these tests were available elsewhere, and if they were cheaper elsewhere and why I needed them...this is all the information I found on them collected from bits of info scattered across the online world. But it was enough to convince me that my naturalpath had the best in mind for me :) hope it helps others understand the tests better...

Lyme and Parasite Tests
Test Breakdown:

• Drawing Blood and Interpretation of tests: $700 (other dr.'s charge $1050 - $1100)
• Complete Lyme Panel:
• Tests 6050:
• #230 (IFA), #188, #189, #456, #453 (IFA, IgG, IgM), PRC, and Western Blots.
•  These tests have an 80% detection rate and over 95% specificity.
•  IGeneX Cost: $475
• For this same exact test is called Lyme Panel C at Clongen Lab and costs = $1725
• New Western Regional Complete Coinfection Panel:
• Test 5085:
• Babesia duncani, IgG& IgM, Babesia FISH, HME IgG & IgM, HGA IgG & IgM, Baratonella IgG & IgM, Bartonella FISH
• Wise to do as this test as many coinfections mimic lyme, and many ticks that carry lyme also carry multiple other coinfections.
• IGeneX Cost: $780
• These tests are newly developed and other labs such as Colegen do not have the capabilities to preform it.
• Tests Total Costs + Blood draw + Interpretation= $1955
• $455 will be taken off and only charged $1500 to make it cheaper on me.

Doctor:
Dr. Jonathon Berghamer, N.D. began his study of health and science at the University of Guelph from which he graduated in 1997 with an Honours Degree in Genetics and Molecular Biology. Subsequently, Dr. Berghamer discovered his passion for medicine and the art of healing as independent study and travel brought him through Central America and South East Asia. Upon returning to Canada, he enrolled at the Boucher Institute of Naturopathic Medicine and upon graduating with top honours, received the prestigious BINM award for Clinical Excellence. After graduation, he completed a 2-year clinical residency with a focus in Applied Kinesiology, Physical Medicine and Prolotherapy.

Lab: IGeneX
IGeneX, Inc. boast to have, "been offering "high complexity tests" since 1992. It is certified by
Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS), formally known as CLIA and bills
Medicare in the U.S. In addition, it holds California, New York, Maryland, Pennsylvania
and Florida licensure since these States require a separate license to perform testing
for patients. To ensure that it maintains the standards of a High Complexity Testing
Laboratory, IGeneX is inspected by the California Department of Public Health (CDPH).
CMS and New York State Department of Health G\fYDH) on a regular basis prior to
renewal of licenses. IGeneX was last inspected by both CDPH and NYDH in 201 1. It
passed both inspections and the licenses were renewed."

They state that their Proficiency Testine (PT) which, "is the use of inter-laboratory comparisons to determine the performance of individual laboratories for specific tests or measurements and to monitor a laboratory’s performance. Participation in proficiency testing schemes provides laboratories with an objective means of assessing and demonstrating the reliability of the data they are producing. Such inter-laboratory comparisons involve two or more laboratories conducting the same test or measurement."

IGeneX states that, "In order to monitor the testing quality, PT must be performed on every test offered by a
clinical laboratory at least twice a year. We have an overall score greater than 98% for
all PTs for last 9 years. (More details on PT performance can be obtained on request.)
Validation Protocol Before IGeneX offers any 'home-brew' test, for clinical use,
extensive validation is carried out as described in our validation protocol (part of the
QC-QA procedure). This process has been reviewed and accepted by CDPH, CMS
and NYDH. Before a new test can be offered in New York State, NYPH has to review
and accept the new test validation."

Others researching into the same tests have found that, "IGenex tests look for DNA traces of Lyme, parasites, and bacteria through directlytesting for each strain, whereas other labs tests do not. The older Wblot/ELISA tests look instead for your immune systems *reaction* to Lyme bacteria. Thus, IGeneX uses
a more liberal interpretation of the Western Blot than other labs. The CDC surveillance criteria was developed to track a narrow definition of Lyme where there was a very high confidence that a positive was accurate. They wanted false positives to be very rare, and they didn't care about or evaluate the false negative rate." Unfortunately, this is not well understood by doctors, which has been devastating for
tons of patients. It's important to note that, "false positives are indeed rare, even at IGeneX. But IGeneX will call some results positive that the CDC calls negative. That is because IGeneX reports other relevant bands that the CDC doesn't."

The specific tests for Lyme:
IgG Western Blot shows and old, or chronic infection.
IgM shows new infection.
Both commercial labs Quest, and Colegen leave out the most specific tests for DNA bands #188, and #189 from which the lyme vaccine was originally made from. Laboratories that use FDA approved kits are RESRICTED from reporting all of these bands, as they must abide by the rules of he manufacturer. These rules are set up in accordance with the CDC's surveillance criteria, and increase the risk of false negative
results.

Here are the bands explained:
If a patient is highly symptomatic of Lyme, there is actually no point in doing the ELISA or EIA serum tests, as they do not have the sensitivity or specificity of the Western Blot that is needed in detecting Borrelia burgdorferi (Bb), which is the organism that causes Lyme disease. Contrary to what many insurance companies believe, the IgG and IgM Western Blot for Lyme disease are not the same test. Some companies will deny one and pay the other, claiming they are the same test or duplicative of one another. IgG and IgM are two completely different antibodies. IgM antibodies are the first antibodies to be produced in the body in response to an infection, and is produced in great quantity. IgM antibodies are large, up to six times
larger than the IgG antibodies. IgM antibodies, when present in high numbers, represent a new active infection or an existing infection that has become reactivated. Over time, the number of IgM antibodies will decline as the active infection is resolved. IgG antibodies are produced once an infection has been going on for a while, and may be present after the infection has been resolved. Generally speaking, the presence of IgG antibodies to an organism when accompanied by a negative IgM test for the same organism means that the person was exposed to that organism at one time and developed antibodies to it, but does not have a current active infection of that organism. When it comes to Borrelia burgdorferi (Bb), the organism responsible for Lyme disease, that is not necessarily the case.

To recap, depending on the numbers,
IgM is a sign of a current infection.
IgG is a sign of a current infection, or of a past exposure to or past infection by the
organism.
Bb can hide in the brain and cerebral spinal fluid (CSF) and by altering its surface
proteins, can remain invisible to the immune system for a long period of time. Once the
immune system figures out what it is and starts making antibodies to it, it shifts is
surface proteins once again, fooling the body into thinking the infection is over. Bb can also turn itself into undetectable cysts and various other forms (called L-forms) which also help it elude the immune system. If the immune system can't see it, the immune system can't make and, or only insufficient antibodies, which all contribute towards making the organism impossible to detect by any testing methodology, including WB. Thus, blood and urine tests for Bb can be negative, even if the patient is "challenged" by being given high dose injections of antibiotics to try to trigger a reaction from or partial die-off of Bb that will cause it to show up in the blood or urine. There are 5 subspecies of Lyme (Bb), over 100 STRAINS in the US, and over 300 WORLDWIDE! So, at least, try to get the best testing done that is available to rule this out.

The following are 3 more reasons why Igenex has the more accurate testing than other
labs: 1. Quest/Labcorp make their Lyme WB probes from Rabbit antigens. Igenex used
human samples. 2. Igenex uses samples from patients across the U.S and Europe, as well as patients
with both early and long term Lyme infections. 3. Lastly, Igenex uses a 12.5% acid gel to separate out the bands. Quest and Labcorp use only a 10% solution. Igenex has been investigated my the States of NY and CA and put through QC testing by the FDA- very difficult and stressful when the FDA comes in to investigate. And they passed.

Another reason Igenex is used by most Lyme specialist in the states is because IGenex uses Dr. Lida Mattman's techniques in finding the disease through "feeding" the bacteria which quickly grows. Through this technique IGenex looks for the bacteria in the sample as opposed to the comercial labs such as Labcorp and Quest who just look for the antibodies of lyme. This technique helps to find a Mycoplasmal infection. Which
is a type of infection that masquerades inside the blood cells own walls which masks it as to not be detected by the bodies immune system. Which is why there are no antibodies found in other lab's tests. Dr Mattman actually witnessed spirochetes exiting out of red blood cells under staining and amplification. As for the New Western Regional Complete Coinfection Panel it is a new type of testing that I have not yet found available through other labs.

References:
• Explanations about testing and labs:

• http://www.igenex.com/Website/#
• http://www.drcharlescrist.com/testing.htm
• http://www.lymenet.de/labtests/brenner.htm
• http://www.clongen.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=11&Itemid=76

• Dr.Mattman's research shown at a conference on 3 types of Lyme, and how the Mycoplasmal infection works:

• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WozrCFW0mRM

• Dr.Berghammer

• http://www.drberghamer.com/dr-jonathon-berghamer/

Reviews for Gratiae Organics Lifting Moisture Cream with Volcanic Stone, 1.7 Ounce

Gratiae Organics Lifting Moisture Cream with Volcanic Stone, 1.7 Ounce

Brand : Gratiae Organics

Amazon.com Price : $47.00

Features Gratiae Organics Lifting Moisture Cream with Volcanic Stone, 1.7 Ounce

Light, easily absorbed, fast acting, cream is the perfect way to nourish and moisturize all skin types
New formula has a remarkable face-lifting effect. It re-tones the skin, balances the moisture level, boosts cell renewal, and combats wrinkles and fine lines
To facilitate optimum lifting, this product comes with an authentic volcanic stone designed to stimulate blood circulation
Contains certified organic Sweet Almond oil which has a fine texture, is easily absorbed, and leaves the skin soft and satiny smooth promoting a clear, young looking, complexion
Certified and Organic. Cruelty Free- Not tested on animals

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Descriptions Gratiae Organics Lifting Moisture Cream with Volcanic Stone, 1.7 Ounce

GRATiAE Organics Lifting Moisture Cream is a light, easily absorbed, fast-acting, effective cream that is the perfect way to nourish and moisturize your skin. It contains a newly developed blend of thermo-mineral water, restorative natural flora, and organic oats and oils. This new formula has a remarkable face-lifting effect. It re-tones the skin, balances the moisture level, boosts cell renewal, and combats wrinkles and fine lines. To facilitate optimum lifting, this product comes with an authentic volcanic stone designed to stimulate blood circulation. Onto cleansed skin, simply apply the cream in soft circular movements until absorbed. Then use the volcanic stone to massage your face. The stone may be heated using warm water, or cooled using cold water. GRATiAE Organic is committed not only to seeking and sustaining organic and natural materials, but also to using all our planet's resources wisely. We use “Responsibly Wild Crafted” herbs which are harvested with minimal environmental impact and are replanted with long-term sustainability in mind. In addition, we're focused on Holistically balanced products which keep the plant constituents in a state of "natural wholeness" without adulterating any "naturally-occurring bonds". (This kind of product is achieved utilizing a proprietary cold extraction process .) Holistically Balanced products enable us to maintain a focus on the whole plant and the synergistic action of all of the constituents in the plant as created by Nature. All GRATiAE products are cruelty- free, not tested on animals, and they come in packaging that's recyclable. GRATiAE Organics... Created by Nature, Perfected by Science.

Allowing the tap to drip

Earlier last week I tried desperately to make gluten-free cinnamon loaf, gluten-free bread, and gluten-free holiday sugar cookies all of which failed miserably. I used to love to bake as I felt accomplished in that I could still prove to others I could do something well. Yet, of all my failures the sugar cookies really crushed me as they're my favourite during this season and on a bad day they're sweet n don't hurt me.

On another note, thursday I had to go into a hospital for a colonoscopy, and so today will be a good day as it would have to take a severely drastic turn to be remotely worse than yesterday. However uncomfortable it is to be in a roomful of gassy strangers it was nothing compared to the sedative taking effect slower than usual as they had a hard time placing an IV. All of which making it possible for me to see my insides on the screen. I thought going in I hope they use the IV to knock me out cause the gas was gross for the endoscopy. I immediately regretted that hopeful idea, not that I had a choice in it.

You arrive nervous and fearful because well who wants to go through this? Only desperate people like me. So theres a large waiting area with a pretty painting and I'm waiting with my mom as 12:30 passes and I go check that they haven't missed me. Only to find out that the nurse has been calling the wrong person accidentally. So once I have a gown on and am told to wait at the nurses station, and as I sit I meet a nice elderly Italian women who had flown out from edmonton to get the same procedure done. I wondered why she couldn't have it done out there but it's hard to understand her through her broken english, yet she is kind and says that I am too young to be in a room like this. I agree, and as she leaves, I watch the other patients waking up from procedures and a chatty man talking to a groggy women. I think to myself, I hope no one talks to me after it's uncomfortable and awkward enough and in pain, not only do I not know what to say but I also know I will not have the strength to pretend to be fine and normal to talk to.

 I am brought into the IV room, in the first chairs there is a bald man with a handle bar moustache, he looks like he's in a biker gang. After the nurse is done with him she makes three painfully unsuccessful attempts at placing an IV in my arm. The other nurse that has come to take me to the procedure room gets antsy and causes the nurse placing the IV to feel pressured. The fourth try fails, but the fifth is very very painful as my veins are small, the other nurse is pleased and takes the sedative bag with her while she directs me into a room and onto a bed. The sedative is hooked up to my IV but as they begin it has not taken effect soon enough and I can see the screen that shows the camera and it's showing something similar to those gross pictures on medical websites. I see something weird and asked the doctor what it was and coincidentally the nurse goes to my IV bag and I wake in a recovery room full of gassy strangers.

A 24 year old girl lays in a bed to my right and says how she wishes they gassed her cause she didn't want to see that. I laugh as I roll over and agree I never wanted to see my insides either. We talk about our symptoms and they're the same except that she has chron's and I have who-know's what, to add to my list. She's young like me, she talks of the struggles so similar to mine and I am glad that someone is there to talk to as I wake up. I don't have to act normal, or anything different from how awful I feel because she's just like me. It was refreshing to talk to her and I wished I wasn't discharged so fast n had more time to talk or at least keep in touch. The women to my left was just 28 years old with her husband and he says she has colon cancer. He tells me that she was diagnosed to late because doctors refused to test her for cancer claiming she was too young. It's true she is too young but now she has had to go in for an operation on friday and he tells the nurses that as great as they are he will be happy to not see them again.

Talking with these women who are so similar to me was the first time in a long time that I felt normal again. Which made me realize just how much effort and energy I put into trying to be normal. As well as the first time in a long time that I felt like someone actually did understand how exhausting it is to try and be normal when everything about me feels anything but normal. I left in pain from the procedure which even days later hurts but mostly I left feeling a little relieved because someone understood. It makes me realize how much as humans we need to feel understood and how much kind words can do. Talking with people who go through the same thing and use words like "us" n "we" causes me to remember what it was like to have friends and feel normal I haven't felt included like that in a long time. Too often I've just felt like a guinea pig to doctors and less like a person. "Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal." -- Albert Camus These words are all too true as I feel exhausted after going to school, or gatherings as I have spent tremendous energy trying to be normal. Which tomorrow I will wake up and do all over again, but I now have something to hold onto, the knowledge that I am understood by those rare people. “Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.” -- Mother Teresa. I guess it's been a long time since kind words, and understanding were extend my way and so this will echo. Now I am thankful for having met them, and sad to feel alone once again. But it's the little things to hold onto, as they can shine a tiny light to hold onto through all the rest of these foggy wanderings.  

Tomorrow I will pull myself together, mustar up all my strength, paint on a smile, be optimistic, take my pills and go out to mingle in the world to try again. Yet, right now I will sit in uncontrolled pain, worn out emotionally and physically, and exhausted from trying for so long, from bucking up and dealing with it for so long as there is no other option. Its hard and it sucks and for five minutes as I switch from writing this to pushing myself onward to write a paper I will allow myself to feel all that hurts, and then I will turn that tap off because I can't handle feeling that intensity that bubble below my surface. Allowing that tap of raw feelings to flow through me creates some form of control so that the tap can be turned off without bursting. 

Running in circles

Let your Word over my mind claim the win

For the truth I own is but a thimble.

Let me speak of Truth with true Love within

Lest I sound the gong and crash the cymbal.

quote from here

Rocks in a bag

There was a blue moon out last night as I sat in the washroom after yet another really nice meal I would have liked to actually just absorbed into my body like any regular person, but instead I was sick for hours. I wish it were once in a blue moon that I got sick like that after eating, but it's not, it's been five years since  I could eat anything. Now every time I think about food it becomes a process, and going out for dinner is just rather restful but frustrating as I look over a menu deciding either what will do the least amount of damage, what will digest, what has no oils, grease, or fat or at least the smallest amounts, or if I can eat at all. To make a list of things I can't eat would take forever so I won't bore you with that. Basically, I can only eat veggies if they're steamed but not carrots, and fruit only if it's canned, grapes if skinned, mushy pasta or soup and very small amounts of meat depending on my stomach pains that day. Well mainly only chicken n some beef digests, so pork, bacon sausage, processed anything is out. Which means drive thru's are out. Yet, thats only half the issue, the main thing is I hate food since I've been sick, it almost always hurts me.

My favourite foods have dwindled to almost nothing that I can eat. I used to LOVE LOVE LOVE coffee but now it does not love me back although the aroma draws me in the reminder that it's acid will cause me to lose everything that has stayed down draws me to opt for very weak tea, which usually ends up being either tinted water thats gross or too strong which also hurts. I used to love going for coffee, I had a favourite shop, that I would study and meet friends at, it even had a fire place and beautiful artwork. Now I rarely go out as the pain that follows from being lactose intolerant has become the pain that follows coffee, strong tea, london fogs, some smoothies, and all specialty drinks. Now thinking about it I'm even becoming sad. There's so much this illness has taken away, it seems to have sucked the enjoyment out of almost every area of life. So on to the few of my favourite things I can eat! Although it's a very short list consisting of hot coco, cookies, chocolate (thank you God :) ), ice cream (made from cream or yogurt only) Almost anything else will surely cause me to become part of an installation in a washroom near you.  
 Yet, I must say my love of the mini chips ahoy has grown fondly, for some gracious reason they are tasty little delicious treats that I can actually eat! (if you find them feel free to mail at any time)

Any who, as I was saying last night I was awful sick, from a dinner I thought would be okay. But Yesterday was no ordinary day not because I went in to see my doctor, but because once in a blue moon they find something that they can fix! Which was a bag full of rocks, or medically a gallbladder over flowing with stones. But surprise, surprise, like the anemia, neuropathic pain, and everything else they have no idea why I have gallstone's. Yet, it seems likely that its the cause of other various infections. So my doctor is sending me too the harry potter of gallbladder surgeons and yes those were his words lol, apparently the surgeon is the best in BC. Which is great and all yet just means it's going to take forever to get into see him, and after how sick I was last night I don't have time to waste. I mean the pain was so bad that I should've gone in to the ER on Sunday. But, here I wait patiently on countless specialists waiting lists as all my symptoms worsen, and between you and me, I'm not sure how much more pain I can handle. It seems our medical system is so backed up that even with a bag full of rocks, a migraine, neuropathic pain everywhere, hashimoto's, blue spider vains growing further down my leg and what ever else going on, I still don't make the urgent list. This doesn't upset me as much as it should, because I just feel really bad for those that do make the urgent list. How much worse off must they be, and how long did they have o wait as their illness got that much worse.

So I have a bag full of rocks close to popping, it could be worse right. Today I'm sore, tired, foggy, in a lot of pain but earlier mom took me for a nice tea and right now I have a nice porch sit out on, wrapped up in a blanket with my cat snuffolufagous, and a good counselling text book. The sun is shining,  and it's all good. It's nice to see spring time full of life, birds chirping, flowers bursting with colours and a warm breeze. My only frustration is the stupid cow bird on the neighbours roof that won't stop Cawing. He does this every day and everyday I tell him nobody cares. But he's persistent I'll give him that :)

~ ElysiaB

P.S. I wonder who that guy is mowing my lawn is, I've never seen him before and the grass was just cut yesterday by a different guy I had also never seen before....I hope the landlords know.

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Przez żołądek do serca

i m off again to the country which is using the language above...

see ya!

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Best Exfoliator for Face- Ultimate Brightening Anti Aging Serum by Joyal Beauty - Safely Removing Dead Skin Cells While Providing Skin's Natural Super Food: Enriched with Hyaluronic Acid, Witch Hazel, MSM, Ginseng, Reishi, Schisandra, Horseradish, Licorice, Fennel Loaded with Natural Minerals and Vitamin C, Vitamin E, Vitamin A etc. Proven to Be The Most Effective to Restore Damaged Cells for a Younger and Even Toned Complexion. 100% Vegan. 72% Organic! 1 oz

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Features Best Exfoliator for Face- Ultimate Brightening Anti Aging Serum by Joyal Beauty - Safely Removing Dead Skin Cells While Providing Skin's Natural Super Food: Enriched with Hyaluronic Acid, Witch Hazel, MSM, Ginseng, Reishi, Schisandra, Horseradish, Licorice, Fennel Loaded with Natural Minerals and Vitamin C, Vitamin E, Vitamin A etc. Proven to Be The Most Effective to Restore Damaged Cells for a Younger and Even Toned Complexion. 100% Vegan. 72% Organic! 1 oz

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Descriptions Best Exfoliator for Face- Ultimate Brightening Anti Aging Serum by Joyal Beauty - Safely Removing Dead Skin Cells While Providing Skin's Natural Super Food: Enriched with Hyaluronic Acid, Witch Hazel, MSM, Ginseng, Reishi, Schisandra, Horseradish, Licorice, Fennel Loaded with Natural Minerals and Vitamin C, Vitamin E, Vitamin A etc. Proven to Be The Most Effective to Restore Damaged Cells for a Younger and Even Toned Complexion. 100% Vegan. 72% Organic! 1 oz

Joyal Beauty Ultimate Brightening Anti-Aging Serum is an advanced and innovative serum to deliver intensive brightening benefits, even-tone complexion, while providing moisture and nutrients to your skin. It is delicate and light, suitable for all skin types and even the most sensitive skin! You can also use it as excellent eye gel! It effectively lighten the discolored areas of the skin and prevent the formation of melanin in the cells. The phenomenal penetration of the natural skin brighteners in this serum penetrate fully into the dermal layer and make photo damage and aging skin problems disappear within several weeks! It has been clinically proven to be most effective to restore damaged cells to their more youthful integrity for a younger more even toned complexion. You can definitely achieve luminous, healthy, even-toned skin with this luxury feel anti-aging serum within 4 weeks!
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the question mark turned like a fish hook in the human heart

As I sit here today, I have gotten out of bed for the first time in a while a sat comfortably on the couch in my parents living room. As they have a beautiful home from which this couch I sit on produces a spectacular view of mountains that shade behind other mountains, and lush greenery with trees that show growth with wind. I look out at the mountains and remember that old bible verse I learnt in sunday school, "I look to the mountains and where does my help come from? it comes from the Lord the maker of heaven and earth.." I sit in pain aching, sore, and praying that today does not bring another episode of pain that causes me to burst out in blood curdling screams. As I view the greenery, the trees, the mountains, I can't help but wonder where my God is in all of this. Now don't get me wrong I don't doubt he's here or that he is not caring, I know he's here I just wish to feel his presences when it hurts this bad.

So appropriately I picked up an old book I've read twice before titled,"Where is God when it Hurts?" by Philip Yancey and in the beginning of the book he  recalls a girl named claudia suffering from a disease and all the responses christian gave her in their efforts to comfort her. Some said, she must have provoked god with a sin in some way, others said she needed to have more faith and she would be healed, and others told her that she must come to a place of accepting and being grateful for this opportunity to suffer for christ. another told her she had been appointed by god to suffer, and that he will reward her. Like Claudia's story I too am in my first year of marriage and my husband is my rock who's there throughout the stormy weather. Like Claudia I have recieved all these varies of advice and found none to be helpful. Why would you believe in a God who allows suffering from this extent to that of child soldiers and rebel attacks, of such a dreadful thing as cancers and unknown illnesses? Most christians think that pain in gods big mistake. yet, the circuitry of pain that runs through our bodies alert us to harm and mark the genius of god, in allowing us to feel pain so that our bodies may be healed, by feeling where it hurts.

I am one of those people whom philip yancey describes in his book, "those of whom pain is the first sensation to greet them and the last they feel before they drift off to sleep, if they are lucky enough to sleep despite it". The loss of youth, the daily pain, and the prospect of a new marriage gouged by unknown illness, and annual hospital visits. This life was not where I thought I would be 10 years ago, I did not expect to spend my first anniversary in a hospital bed. Yet, when you take a step back and see a kitten thats only a few days old with a brain fully functioning and a a wriggling little body moving around organs so tiny and working how can you not believe in a higher presence?

The problem with pain is we don't understand how to understand it when it last so long and can not be explained. The problem with denying that there is a creator is like Dr.paul brand stated, " the more i devel into natural laws - the atoms, the universe, the solid elements, molecules, the, sun, and even more the interplay of all the mechanisms required to sustain life, -- I am astounded. the whole of creation could collapse like a deck of cards if just one of those factors were removed." how then could all this be by chance? its a complicated issue to deal with everyday, to consider where god is when i am hurting. But what I have found is that the laws by which god created the world are those by which we humans have tampered with, in a sense God has created natural physical laws and every time you populate a world with humans and give them free will you introduce the possibility of abuse of such gifts. for example, We were given food and then some one genetically modified it unaware of consequences and obviously unaware that they could not improve on gods creation, may have caused unknown diseases.

When I am told these reasons for my illness I guess I feel slightly nassacistic because I don't believe in a God that would do such horrid things, or put me through this pain. Rather I believe in a God who created a world with natural physical laws that we humans have distorted, and since the laws are in motion God must allow natural events to occur. I ponder what this means for me and my life.

~ElysiaB

Ps I might post more on this later it just doesn't feel finished. 

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If you do a lot of moving about in your large kitchen, you'll need the Anti-Fatigue Black Chef Mat 20x60 Lattice Runner underfoot the whole way. Place this long runner along your most frequented path so you'll feel like you're walking on air instead of hard tile. Made from durable rubber foam with a thick, dense cushion core, this mat is medically proven to te proper circulation and better posture while reducing muscle fatigue and stress. It's easy to wipe away spills, even though the mat is creatively designed to look just like black faux leather in a basket-weave pattern. An attached anti-slip backing ensures safe footing. Rubber foam with thick, dense cushion core. Black faux leather finish with basket-weave pattern. Anti-slip backing for safety. Easy to clean: just wipe away spills. Medically proven to reduce muscle fatigue. 60L x 20W inches.

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Lululemon's Goal setting Inspirations:

So after deciding that I need to have goals, and deciding to use this blog to record how they go along side of life with Hashimoto's, I read this awesome article on the lululemon website that was a must share :) 

when failing is fun

One of the most common reasons why people don’t set goals is because they are scared of failing. However, this fear of failure, and failure itself, should be embraced rather than rejected. “Failing” is actually a really positive thing in setting and achieving your goals. Here are three helpful things I remind myself of when I sit down to set goals or when I am reviewing my goals:

1) Fear is an indicator that we are doing something remarkable.
Stepping out of our comfort zone means we are stretching ourselves; we are going after something we really want or something that will really impact our life. Focusing solely on the fear distracts us from the remarkable results our goals will bring about. Use that fear as a motivator rather than a detractor.

2) Failing sometimes takes you off a path you never really wanted to be on.
Sometimes we set goals towards things we don’t really want. Not achieving that goal allows us to evaluate what we were going towards, or how we were going about getting there. It could be the end goal that needs tweeking, or it could be the approach we were taking to tackle that goal.

3) Setting a goal and falling short, is still better than not trying at all.
Your life without goals will remain pretty static over time. Setting an inspiring goal will immediately set you on a path of trial and error towards something great. Bumps along the way are to be expected, so just keep holding on! When it comes time to look back and see what you’ve accomplished, you’ll be astounded to see how far you’ve come – whether you fell short of your goal or surpassed it by a mile. (I like to see this in graph form…)

And So 

do we inspire others?

There is a stinging pain going down my nose, a bruising sharp pain from my ear to my jaw, I can feel the thousands of nerves in my fingertips, muscles, and toes. My head throbs, my body aches and I'm dreading how long it'll take to get to sleep. The back of my head throbs with sharp tender points that tell me they'll be keeping me up long into the early morning. My whole back aches as though I was a construction worker and had been doing heavy labor, the heat pack I put on it helps but like the drugs it just doesn't seem to touch it. I feel as though my mind is a place I dare not go as the surface is safe but the rest is just a throbbing blur. The problem with healing is it's frustrating in it's own special way, its similar to an insult easier to harm then to heal the wound. The Reality in my body is, I can still feel where the surgery incisions are healing it makes it hurt to twist my torso, I live in pain that is outwardly bouncing back and inwardly growing worse. I know that sounds like a contradiction but my body never really outwardly projects the inner pain and so, when it gets bad enough and I show how bad I feel more, to me, it's as though I am allowing the guard or tenseness to go down and the pain to surface so that I can get the help that I desperately need. Yet, when I start healing outwardly from incisions, the inward tenses bak up to mask the pain that continues to worsen, and I naturally appear better. Yet, not to deep down I feel like a fraud, and I can't help but continue it on, if I didn't pretend or push harder I think I'd just lay in bed all day. Its that I want to be better, so I push through the pain to look and act better.


I have a 2 out of 10 good day to bad pain day ratio...well if that. Pain is hardly ever bellow an 8 out of 10 and that's just my life. And if that is Gods plan then I will accept it not because I enjoy or want it, I'm not masochistic. But when everything comes down to the wire, I trust the my God knows what he's doing and why. I don't need to know why me, because I know to save your life you must give it up. A pastor told me that in relation to my suffering and I found it interesting as I'd never thought of it before like that. So many say that they want to be extremist or influential for what ever faith they believe, they say that they are even will to die and suffer for their cause. I often wonder that if they were made to suffer and be in excruciating pain, how many would go on and keep to that faith, or go through with even being the one in suffering. 


Yesterday the test results came back negative for porphoria, and a bunch of other disorders. The only things showing up were that my TSH is low as is my liver function..I went in trying not to get my hopes up but i cant help but feel crushed. Afterward we went to the church and as an act of obedience I was prayed over by our church elders. but i still cant help but feel sad that while I worsen nothing shows up. I just keep holding on to my blind trust in a God I can not see, because I know he has a plan and his understanding of these circumstances surpasses my own. He knows best as C.S.Lewis put it best, “When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of ‘No answer.’ It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, ‘Peace, child; you don’t understand.’”


It's hard when tears are streaming down your face and all you can do is scream cause nothing can help this kind of pain. In those moments I want desperately to assure those around me that it will be okay, as they look down so worried and helpless. how many countless times I have questioned god "is there no end to this pain?" or "why me" Yet I also beg before him that whatever he is doing, that it brings him glory, even as I doubt how effective a tool I am. To me there is no greatness about me, I am just a quiet person who isn't even the greatest christian. I've already been through a lot in life, that most don't ever go through and I'm not saying it's not fair I just don't understand why the continuos hardships. I am not a loud voice, I do not influence many, I am not a theologist, I am just me. The one thing I am certain of is that above all I trust sometimes blindly through this pain and will endure whatever comes, if this is how God has decided my life is to be, then it is well with my soul. Sure I wish this were the kind of pain that could be pulled off like a band aid but if it is life long I am weak of body, but strong of heart. I am not to question the creator of the universe as I know he sees and understands far greater than I ever could imagine. If my suffering must end in a terminal way I can accept that too as I know I am ready to give this life so others may see you. I just wish there were pauses between the pain, yet I have chosen you and I will not give up. 


Perhaps those who suffer give up there lives so that others may come to God through watching how they accept the suffering? Perhaps we can be inspired by others like Joni Erikson Tada who stated that, 


“Sometimes God allows what he hates to accomplish what he loves.” 

― Joni Eareckson Tada, The God I Love

tags: faith, god, inspirational, love

877 people liked it

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“Heartache forces us to embrace God out of desparate, urgent need. God is never closer than when your heart is aching.”
― Joni Eareckson Tada

53 people liked it

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“...we will stand amazed to see the topside of the tapestry and how God beautifully embroidered each circumstance into a pattern for our good and His glory.”
― Joni Eareckson Tada

tags: truth

26 people liked it

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“There is nothing that moves a loving father's soul quite like his child's cry.”
― Joni Eareckson Tada

tags: children, fathers, love, parenting

13 people liked it

Sometimes our suffering isn't a consequence of our actions or even someone else's. God is teaching other beings about Himself and His loved ones--us--as He did with Job. The point of Job's trials was to enable heavenly beings to see God glorified in Job. Sometimes He trusts us with great pain in order to make a point, whether the intended audience is believers, unbelievers, or the spirit realm. Joni Eareckson Tada, no stranger to great suffering, writes, "Whether a godly attitude shines from a brain-injured college student or from a lonely man relegated to a back bedroom, the response of patience and perseverance counts. God points to the peaceful attitude of suffering people to teach others about Himself. He not only teaches those we rub shoulders with every day, but He instructs the countless millions of angels and demons. The hosts in heaven stand amazed when they observe God sustain hurting people with His peace."

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“Contentment ... has an internal quietness of heart that gladly submits to God in all circumstances.” "
"

― Joni Eareckson Tada, When God Weeps: Why Our Sufferings Matter to the Almighty"