So I made it through thanksgiving(s), and it seems it's never a good time to go into the hospital but if it were fatal wouldn't that not matter, I mean you would just go. right? Yet, pain and pain seem too similar that I brush off oddities, blood, and I find very good reasonable reasons to not go in like... I had a paper due, midterms coming and a naturalpath appointment that I coundn't afford to miss (literally it'd cost me money), and plus he said he'd look over my whole binder of test results from 2008 and I was hoping beyond hope that he had some ideas.
Which he did because it turns out he has ton of degrees, and thus he supposed to be really smart, but I still had to stop and wonder, when I'm laying on the dr. table and he's putting viles of stuff onto my stomach. Or as he put it into my energy field, and then had me put my arms in the air while he tried to pull them apart.....I guess it could be called muscle testing. Muscle testing is also useful in determining which foods or substances will improve a patient’s health, and which will impede it. Subtle incompatibilities between a patient’s electromagnetic energy field and that of the substance in question can be detected by the naturopathic physician merely by placing the substance in direct contact with the patient’s body and observing the reaction of the key muscle groups involved. If a patient is extremely ill and very weak, the physician may have to rely on surrogate testing to assess a patient’s health using muscle testing. A healthy individual’s muscle reactions will be monitored when he or she is in direct contact with the patient and again when he or she is not. By observing the subtle changes in the healthy individual’s muscle reactions, the physician may gather further functional diagnostic information about the patient. Needless to say I questioned his methods... yet, I don't have better options, I mean I can barely stay out of the hospital and normal Doc.'s got nothin'. So, he told me I have parasites, e-coli, and wheat and dairy allergies, I then bought the medicine he put into my energy field that would work and then paid for the visit and tried it when I got home. However, after he pushed on me, I was sick the whole way back and no matter how bad tasting those drops (I still can't believe I'm desperate enough to try) are, they couldn't take the bleeding n incredible amounts of pain away. So finally, after humming and hawing we went to the hospital. Where they've ceased to help me, again... The first night they admitted me and when putting in the IV they also left multiple major bruises from attempts that didn't work. (I look like I get abused not a great image to come away with) The next day, I was still in a lot of pain and I had to ring the bell 10 plus times before a nurse came to help and when she did she was angry, but I needed pain med's, because it hurt so bad. Although sitting in a bed in the hallway of the hospital directly in front of the ward desk, would give you the vague idea that they'd notice you but surprisingly it didn't help. On one occasion my blood clotted and the IV attachment fell out which bled out a lot, and freaked me right out even more, its like something from a horror film to see my blood coming out of a tube like that....eek. By the fourth day all the tests still either came back negative or contaminated by too many bacteria which is not my fault although the Dr. made me feel like it. On top of which the Dr. also mentioned, that if it was still contaminated on the 3rd try they'd have to put in a catheter...ya, not a good day, to be me. I was praying against it. The next day it was contaminated and lucky for me the Dr. also forgot to come by and say anything about it. Then the fifth day, deciding theres nothing more they can do, because they're not specialists so they discharged me. Thus reasonably depressed, I am now home no better than before, perhaps even worse for wear and tear and extremely frustrated with God as anyone would be in this predicament. I mean where is God when it hurts...he's here making sure no catheter comes near me, thank you! But, I also can't help but be mad with him for not doing anything to stop all of this. The antibiotics have made my mouth have sores which makes eating turn into a painful event, as if it's not enough that braces hurt the eating process. And now thanks to Dr. Naturalpath I also can't eat a longer list of things because to top it all off I now have to avoid dairy and wheat which are in everything. Not to mention the fact that bread was one of the very few things that stayed down when I ate it. My pain now spasming through out my body whenever I try to do anything, walk, exercise, clean etc., causes more loneliness because illness breeds a lack of socializing already. Thus the fact that I'm bruised, bleeding, throwing up, barely able to get out of bed, as you can imagine slightly impacts a social calendar that was already very meek...and added to that fun daily routine I have to take a minimum of 7+ medications from the multiple Dr.'s, plus the gross tasting nathuralpathic drops. I can't help but feel frustrated and alone in my situation....but, I'm mean think about it, if it were you, how would you handle that? Your new normal goes from barely functioning and in pain already to a lot a lot worse, would you not be angry or question your beliefs?
I can't help but wonder why some get miraculously healed and I get left.... It seems like after all I've been through during the years before this, I shouldn't have more diabolical things to deal with. And then again I realize how naive that is to even think. What makes me so special that I can think that this is unjust, is it not also just as unjust for people born with worse disorders, I'm not better than them that I deserve answers from him who created me. Yet, I've begged and asked a thousand times for ways that God could help me, or at the very least for him to provide me with the strength to handle this. I understand all the right christianies answers, the doctrine of suffering, and yet, I'm mad because finally I'm so broken that I can hardly stay out of the hospital, I can't eat hardly anything before adjusting my diet and the few things I could eat were mainly of the bread variety so that just cut out almost everything my body can digest...I can't hardly stand or do anything physical, I'm consistently in more pain than medication can even touch, and I am constantly realizing how broken I am compared to everyone else.
When I compare myself to the ominous "them" and how they act like "they" have huge problems but they heal, I apparently don't; Their blood stays where it should be, mine leaks out everywhere it can at random; They are able to hangout with friends, I'm confined to bed more than anything; They can eat, I can barley; There is sooo much for them to be thankful for. Even in jail, they can exercise without hurting, they can eat three meals, they can have friends, and do things, sure its confined but its still pretty good. I know I'm not to compare, and I realize that all of "them" have different lives to lead, different paths they've been asked to walk, different breaking points, different backgrounds, different personalities, different biological DNA. It's hard to tell through all the darkness and, it's so easy to lose focus of what really matters. The truth is none of those comparisons matter, because its as good as comparing an apple to an orange, we're all just far far too different and the truth is if I focus hard enough on my pain and what I go through I can think of a million reasons to be pissed off with God. But, although my world is shaking I can think of so many reasons it is also not his fault, and so many times were his providence has been over my life. So many times when I have cried out in my darkest despratest times, even times when I didn't believe in him at all and was completely against him, he has never left me when I have tested him. When I have called upon him, he has always been there even visibly. You see I can't be mad with him, I have no right, I can not fathom how he created the universe, or know entire life plans and I know without a doubt that he will be there for me, even when I don't understand how.
I can be mad with him, it's allowed and I'll get past it. Its just hard to comprehend what in the world he is doing, and why. I feel like emotionally I've been through enough hard times to last me, but then is it that I have not been through enough physically hard things? It's not for me to say. I know I have unanswered prayers, and I don't understand how to keep going when everything just keeps decomposing. I don't want to be confined to a bed, and I don't see how anything that happens to me will attest to anything as I am unable to get out enough to impact anyone. But through my heartbreak, pain, and anger I know he still has me in the palm of his hands through everything I go through and no matter what happens I know it's not his doing. I know and trust that he knows what he is doing and if he's going to allow it to happen it's for a reason and if he allows it he'll give me the strength to accept it, and to keep going even when it seems like it's only going to get worse. As humans we have to adjust to the fact that we are human, that there will be people in better positions and people in worse. We are human we are afflicted by a great fall of man and if we are to get angry with him or even turn away because we don't understand I feel it is still our responsibility to understand the doctrine of suffering and how it is by no means his doing especially if we are to be walking away from a God of Love because we don't understand how there can be such awful events that happen in the world. I can be angry because I don't understand but, even angry as I am I won't deny how great and good a God he is. I know that he loves me for me not for what I have done, or who I will be, I know he wants good for me and I know the pain is deep, but not deep enough to keep me from my faith in him. Faith is not easy its not meant to be, and at times its a fight because I want control, I want to say how dare you leave me like this but the thing about control is its an illusion. We play a blame game when we feel afflicted, and we never blame the right person, when we blame the one who loves and made us, it is misdirected blame. If I control my life it will not go well, and he will let me have my way, but I've given up on control as faith is stronger. It's blind faith at times when the future looks this bleak but, without blind faith where would trust fit in.
