The Girl From Mars

So some days I feel like I'm the girl from Mars.


Let me explain, in a past life I used to have certain social aspects as in I had a social life. I went out with my friends almost everyday. It used to be if something was happening I not only knew about it, I made it happen. Some how way back when, believe it or not I was somebody. I had a big circle of friends, and I was popular in my group. I was the funny, i had a silly nickname from camp and i felt accepted enough to be bold and outgoing. I was involved in everything from sports teams to volunteering at the church, I was on kitchen prep team, a youth alpha leader, and on the youth drama team.


That was exactly four years ago. Reflecting on those memories makes me feel like a completely different person than who I am in this moment. Today, not gonna lie, I've felt just plain awkward. Yes, just like Jenna Hamilton from the TV show titled Awkward. But In this moment, right now, I feel like... an alien space ship somehow kidnapped me over night and, has experimented on me, and left me in a state that's just so foreign to who I was and want to be. I am Elysia Bronson a student a Summit Pacific College and I have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Fibromyalgia, and something the doctors can't, yet explain.


What is that jibberish you say? Well...


Hashimoto's thyroiditis is the most common cause of hypothyroidism in the United States. It is named after the first doctor who described this condition, Dr. Hakaru Hashimoto, in 1912.Hashimoto's thyroiditis is a condition caused by inflammation of the thyroid gland. It is an autoimmune disease, which means that the body inappropriately attacks the thyroid gland--as if it was foreign tissue. The underlying cause of the autoimmune process still is unknown. 


The thyroid gland makes two thyroid hormones, and those hormones circulate throughout the body in the bloodstream and act on virtually every tissue and cell in the body. These hormones affect metabolism, brain development, breathing, heart rate, nervous system functions, body temperature, muscle strength, skin moisture levels, menstrual cycles, weight, cholesterol levels, and more.Hashimoto's affects almost 5% of the population and most often affects women between the ages of 40 and 60.


I've fought accepting it for along time now. But I guess it's time to let go and let God. And as the ever present constant in my life, he has been here for/with me through my whole life. It is simply amazing to look back and see his providence and faithfulness! I can not say enough how much I love my God! This illness is a new territory for me, different from the other difficult areas I've wandered through in earlier years. Yet, it does not scare me today, as much as it did yesterday. It gets harder than I thought it could at times, but, this wonderful friend I have in God is there and understands exactly what it's like. He comforts me, and renews my strength, and together we press on to do great things.


I got up this morning took all 6 of my pills, ate breakfast, and went to class. And as I walked up those steps leading into the school I felt the pains in my body, the fatigue and as I went up each step, I wondered why I bothered to get out of that warm comfy bed. I saw students coming down from dorms and thought of how few people on the campus knew that I exist. These pessimistic thoughts are just that thoughts, and they need to be put in the trash where they belong not in my head. The funny thing is I didn't even notice they were wrong until I went to my class in which saw some friendly faces, sat down and heard a wonderful lecture about christine doctrine. Part way through the lecture the teachers giving an example of theology definitions and asks has anyone sinned this morning, and I reflect on those thoughts! O how they creep up on me, and probably everyone else. These are the thoughts that stop us from being effective in the lives of others. 


So that got me thinking what can I do to be more effective? And so I've decided I can help breach a gap between me and the world around me, I can share my life, my illness, my joys and my faith. Perhaps touching someone else's life, or at least helping them to better understand life with a disorder.  


~ElysiaB

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Continued

Than the surgeon came to talk to me about my gallbladder that was full of stones yet in his opinion it would be best for me to wait another four weeks to get an appointment with him for surgery to remove it later as the tests showed no inflammation of the gallbladder wall. Yet, he asked me what I wanted to do after a long speech of how it's be better to wait and that it shouldn't be removed. But after having so so so much morphine and none of it coming close to touching the pain I told him with a concerned yet determined voice that if it is indeed my choice I wanted it taken out that night. A few hours later I was wheeled in and out of surgery with one less part never to be seen or felt again.

For a long while my body as physically mourned the loss of the small blue organ yet as of today has healed right up. Four tiny scars are all that's left of a once poisoned organ. the cherry on top was that after making the ultimate descion which was nerve racking as I cannot take it back once it's gone. We found out that although the ultrasound showed a thin walled ( not inflammex$ gallbladder, it was indeed thick walled which did not show up on the ultrasound. Meaning that had I not demanded surgery it may have burst due to the surgeons decision to want me to wait.

However today is another story with a new adventure. Today I am in my third day of being in the hospital, as Friday afternoon I came back with blood In my urine, and stool as well as immense pain in my lower abdomen and back. Still tests are being run, blood being taken and a large hole where a lack of answers grows larger. I have staued up two nights in screaming pain with nothing to help explain whats wrong even. My dr. On the ward compared me to a new car that has nothing wrong with it and in the same breath said that I should see a psychiatrist which both hurt my pride as a patient going through extreme pain. This morning my surgeon and his Asian side kick came in to discuss the little pea like balls we found in my stool again and being certain he said that they are not gallstones or kidney stones and that he would order an MRI of my gallbladder region to be 100% sure... If you ask me he's covering his ass, while being very rude.

-ElysiaB

Ps more to come

Understanding why

Its 2:57AM and oh how I wish I were like my husband, so sound asleep that I start mumbling :) . At least theres late night entertainment. lol. Tonight reason for unrest is the pounding in my head, similar to last night, and the night before last. I have what feels like a bump on the front left side of my head thats been throbbing. Not sure what it is and at times I've been on and off debating going to the clinic or ER...I just can't bring myself to do it. The thought of wasting 5 hours, of being in a contagious place with an immune system that will not defend me is too big a risk. I'd rather stay in bed and hope it goes away till I can't bear it. That may sound masochistic but I've really just had too many late nights of doctors who are dumbfounded by my condition, then getting tested, to be released cause they can't keep me and have no answers. I leave a bit dis-heartend and sicker as I always catch something from who knows who, in the hospital theres always enough illness to go around. I feel the same about doctors clinics. Other than waiting out the awful pains and symptoms till the next dr. appointment or specialists appointment, which are obviously worthy risks of catching a cold, I almost always decide against a clinic. And thus, my bump on the head tenderly throbs, neck pulsates with a pain into my chest, and I sit awake watching House.

A health book that was recommended, brought up an important controversial issue in the christian community...the idea of sin being linked to illnesses. Which in some cases may be true, but I find a common misconception is that it is true for everyone who has an illness. Although this is very large topic I'll keep it brief, I disagree with the common generalization that all illness is caused from sin or un-forgiveness. (refer to more in depth posts before this one for more detail) please don't be confused, I do believe God heals today, and that miracles happen, yet I also understand that sometimes he allows illness for the betterment of all, to bring others closer to himself. Point being, God is big enough to heal us, but also incredibly wise and beyond our understanding, who are we to judge his timing. It's enough for me knowing that he loves me, that he means what he says in his word, and that I can trust him to guide my life.

I agree and side rather with teachers like Joni Erikson, Mother Teresa, and Jesus. I think that those people that go around suggesting to people with illness that they are sick due to a sin, should first educate themselves a bit further. As well as noting that unless you are close with a person, how can you think saying such a thing randomly to someone you just met will make them feel. It frustrates me, particularly because I've been on the recieving and end of such comments and often wonder, "what do you think I've done..." aside from the are withhold, "who do you think you are". When in doubt treat others as you would want to be treated, if you cannot at least be polite enough to do no harm. I highly recommend reading Joni Erikson Tada's book's, we had one as a text to review and it helped a lot. 

Here's a review of Joni's book for those who haven't read it:


Joni Eareckson Tada's insights on suffering have been forged during more than thirty years in a wheelchair. In When God Weeps she and her longtime friend Pastor Steve Estes explore questions of theodicy beyond the superficial. They proclaim faith in a God, "big enough to understand our suffering, wise enough to allow it." This is not your superficial "God wants everyone to be healthy right now" approach!

Their approach is radically God-centered. Rather than starting with man's concerns and then either apologizing for God (like open theism) or accusing him (like skepticism), they attempt to start with who God is. The first section of the book looks at God's gracious self-revelation in Christ. With infectious joy they attempt to describe the Trinitarian God's attributes: his beauty, his goodness, his sovereignty. Their point is that God is contented forever in his own glory. They paint a Biblical picture of a God of infinite passion and love. "Our call to suffer comes from a God tender beyond description" (p. 40).

And this God is himself a sacrificial, suffering servant. "The Trinity planned it. The Son endured it. The Spirit enabled him. The Father rejected the Son whom he loved. Jesus, the God-man from Nazareth, perished..... This is who asks us to trust him when he calls on us to suffer" (p.54). God hates suffering (p. 57), and yet, "(t)he Bible could be no clearer. God does ask his children of every nation... to suffer" (p. 65). Alluding to C.S. Lewis' famous line from the Narnia series, they conclude: "the sovereign God who holds your days in his hand is not safe. He's anything but. He's the King, I tell you. But he's good" (p. 93).

Having explored God's nature and character in very personal terms, the authors next turn to described God's actions and works in Section II (pp.97f.). As Tada learned from long, painful experience, God's Word tells us that he uses the weak of this world to accomplish his purposes, to his glory and their (our) special honor (p.113; cf. I Cor. 12:22). In this we can have fellowship in his suffering. They note, "By itself, suffering does no good. But when we see it as the thing between God and us, it has meaning" (p.135). The Cross is the key

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The unhopeful unending

Telling your story, I’m not sure I’m up for the task, there’s no happy ending yet it’s just looking quite dark from here. All I know right now is that my rock bottom was really just a layer of eggshells holding me up from the real fall. There’s a hard immediate reaction that came to me of devastation when I heard that the porphyry test was negative. That devastation seems so silly though because I knew it would be negative, but it was the last hail mary that the doctors and specialists had thought to test for, regardless of it being a rare disorder. I went in having not gotten my hopes up, but somewhere in between I fell again, crushed by the negative testing. Leaving felt like the end. What was left to hold on to?  I asked if there was anything else we could check for, but my doctor sadly said there wasn’t anything else he could think of that we haven’t already checked. It was the same with the specialists, I waited to get into the Internal medicine wing at UBC in Vancouver general hospital. And when I got a meeting the resident took all the information down, and checked me over, and the real specialist entered to say that she didn’t think there was anything she could think to do that has not already been done. So we headed home but on the way I went into extreme pain and had to go back to the hospital emergence room where after waiting two hours the doctor gave me a shot of morphine in the hip and told me to see my GP. 

The pain worsens daily, we pray daily, but I can’t help but feel like It’s going to have to get a lot worse to be figured out. Yet, I’ve been hanging on to the end of my rope, theres only so much pain I can take, and I know I’m slipping. I can feel it as others take more control, over what medications I can take, the regression but into what I don’t know. The thing is every time I’ve fallen, I’ve gotten back up. At times getting back up seems like a reflex as it’s something that you must do, because the only other option is to stay down and that is a dark place I don’t want to go. The Lord, that we believe in is sovereign and has everything already planned before it has happened, he has provided a way to take care of us in all our darkest moment. Most times God has placed people in our lives before we know we need them and we take it for granted, not seeing it for what it is. At this moment I don’t see hope for my life, but I know he who is sovereign has a plan for my life and he will provide light in this dark time. 

Right now, I feel like an earthquake went off in my head, and the sharp rubble spreads through my left ear, jaw and neck. I feel like there’s little imaginary men drilling for oil right under my rib cage on the right side. I can feel throughout my back the pain in my abdomen, it’s become hard to get out of bed and well do anything. Yet the mountain’s look gorgeous, and my dog perks up and gets all giddy when she sees me. So for now I’m okay, because although I don’t feel hopeful I have trust in my God that as I swing at the end of my rope wondering how much more I can take he already knows the stories end. Right now these feeling of sadness there like a singers song, it’s just a part of the tale not the beginning and not end just a part of emotion being expressed.  ffus-ptw4naXLNKMAQRo1yf_Ou4

~ElysiaB

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Features

• Made from durable premium quality material.
• Very safe with trip-resistant beveled edge and non-slip backing that will stay flat and will not roll up.
• Easy to clean. Perfect for kitchen, laundry, bathroom, garage and other areas of your home.
• Non toxic and safe for children and pets. 100% Satisfaction Guaranteed.
• 5 Year Warranty.

List Price: $99.00
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Product Description
Standing on a hard surface does a number on one's body. Studies show that Anti-fatigue mats are able to reduce discomfort and increase productivity for people who stand all day. Therefore, anti-fatigue mats are great for areas of your house where you notice that you stand a lot. For instance your kitchen or garage.

Snufflufagous

A few weeks ago we came home to see a small sleeping stray cat on our porch. She was curled up in a shivering little ball on our wicker chair, burrowed in to the brown cushion, and opened her little eyes wide with fear as she saw us come over to her. I couldn't help but feel bad, I love animals sand have missed living with a pet, so we gave her a bit of milk, water, food, tucked in a body pillow around the inside of the chair and left her to sleep. In the morning I was sad because she wasn't there but the cat came back the  very next day she just couldn't stay away :) and so we taught her to jump through the shower window and  put the body pillow into the bath tub for her to sleep on as she was wet, sick, and coughing. We let the SPCA know that we had found her and sent in a picture, yet no one has claimed her. So slowly, we've been nursing her back to health, I've mixed honey into her water to help her throat as she has a terrible cough and sniffles, and my husband bought her cat food. She now lays on the bed sleeping most of the day or plays with two other stray cats that I'm still trying to coax. We'e named her Snufflufagous because she sniffles n sniffles n sniffles lol or snuff for short. Most of the day I'm sick in bed and lately I've had a sinus infection so it's been really positive for me to have her laying in bed with me.

When I'm home alone so much I feel so lonely, yet Snufflufagous is like a little blessing God dropped of on my porch. She goes in n out when she wants, but mostly stays on the bed with me, or watches me cook dinner with big curious eyes. She's quite the observer, when I do yoga and exercise she sits by my mat watching intently sometimes coming closure to get pet. As I do wash loads she looks at the washer like its alive and it's her job to figure out what this new creature is doing. Then she moves from room to room at my heals watching as chores get done. I love having her here as theres something very therapeutic     about a pet being with you, especially as you go through up's and down's of a disorder you can't control.

~ElysiaB

http://www.etsy.com/shop/avi2727

Sitting

Sitting in a walk in clinic it seems interesting to see where people choose to sit down or rather who they choose to sit by. I walk in see the room randomly seated at a half full capacity and see two chairs empty and choose the one furthest away from everyone else. Why did I do that? A) the large beefy man sitting beside the two empty seats looked intimidating and B) the other half of the room looked pretty sick and being more supseptible than most I want to be as far from sick germs as I can. However all three people after me came n sat beside me. There are six other seats, I wonder if they thought like me about germs, beefy intimidation and looked to me and thought definitely not frightening and sat down. Hmm... How do you choose where you sit? Or is it random?

I've found myself in n out of Dr.'s offices, wondering where it all ends. Seems to be repetitive part of my life for the past 6 years. What I've found is that most offices do not communicate with each other thus when you are referred to a new specialist there will not only be like a 6 month wait there will also be no blood work or recent tests when you do finally get to the clinic. Note: insist on a copy of all recent tests from your Dr.'s office as a record for yourself, put it in a binder and bring for your specialist to see. Right now my binder is with the Naturalpath who says he looks at it before/after each visit.

After my visit yestarday to the Pain Specialist I cant say I'm overwhelmingly hopeful, I mean it was the same song and dance 'up these meds, try this new medication, here's the options of all the treatments we can do...and oh by the way I think you really should try the injection therapy'... When he says injection therapy he means injecting into muscles around my spine....it sounds dangerous and I don't like needles. I hate the idea of masking the pain for a little while and then having to continuously go back for injections because the pain doesn't go away it's just masked for a little while.

I'm exhausted from being exhausted, and sick and tired of being sick and tired, but more than anything I hate waiting to be better. I hate pushing myself as fast as I can straight into the ground so that others are taken care of, and I can feel good because I've done my duty. Duty, the reason I push so hard to exceed expectations that when I do excel at being okay - on the inside I'm burnt right out left heaving and panting, but I look okay. Is it worth it? All the hours I spend cleaning till my hands smell of bleach so the house can look clean and dinner is ready, all so I can look like a good housekeeper...then people that don't understand the personal toll it took to get it to look like this, can be impressed. Our appearances are simply based perspective, from the angle looking head on at you in public you look great, from the angle the private life you look tired, exhausted, and run down. We run around busy like lab rats trying to impress each other and then never fully understanding the people around us, but we sure understand the weather better. With all these unbelievably high expectations on me I feel drowned by the weight of whats expected of me because I know my limits and the people with these expectations need to get an adjustment according to my limits. They need a new appreciation for me being able to get out of bed. Because right now I'm going back to bed because if you don't appreciate all the exasperating energy it took to try to impress you why try. I suppose you could say today's a bad pain day for me and it doesn't take much to push me over the edge.

-ElysiaB



  

the letter E for Endometriosis

News of the day starts with the letter E for Endometriosis. Which sounds like, say it with me "en-doh-mee-tree-OH-sus" it is a problem many women have during their childbearing years. Which would be any time from now till menopause. It means that a type of tissue that lines your uterus is also growing outside your uterus. This does not always cause symptoms. And it usually is not dangerous. But it can cause pain and other problems.

The clumps of tissue that grow outside the uterus are called implants. They usually grow on the ovaries, the fallopian tubes, the outer wall of the uterus, the intestines, or other organs in the belly. In rare cases, they spread to areas beyond the belly.

How does endometriosis cause problems?

Your uterus is lined with a type of tissue called endometrium (say "en-doh-MEE-tree-um"). It is like a soft nest where a fertilized egg can grow. Each month, your body releases hormones that cause the endometrium to thicken and get ready for an egg. If you get pregnant, the fertilized egg attaches to the endometrium and starts to grow.

When you have endometriosis, the implants of tissue outside your uterus act just like the tissue lining your uterus. During your menstrual cycle, they get thicker, then break down and bleed. But the implants are outside your uterus, so the blood cannot flow out of your body. The implants can get irritated and painful. Sometimes they form scar tissue or fluid-filled sacs (cysts). Scar tissue may make it hard to get pregnant.

What causes endometriosis? Experts do not know what causes endometrial tissue to grow outside your uterus. But they do know that the female hormone estrogen makes the problem worse. Women have high levels of estrogen during their childbearing years. It is during these years-usually from their teens into their 40s-that women have endometriosis. Estrogen levels drop when menstrual periods stop (menopause). Symptoms usually go away then.

Soooo the specialist today gave me a pelvic exam and discovered the E word around my uterus so to treat this finally I catch a break. Treatment for it is taking 3 packs of birth control without sugar pills and then every third month take sugar pills for a period. So today while I'm still in the hospital getting figured out, I get to have less painful months cause I get to have less periods than the average women.